I Choose Love

Posts Tagged ‘Letting Go’

How Not To Be Emotionally Addicted To Your Ex

In My Inspirational Thoughts on January 16, 2011 at 5:02 am

There are so many of you out there that choose to hold onto something that isn’t there. I know this for a fact because I did the same thing. I wanted to bring something to light a little more detailed in hopes of helping someone that is having a tough time letting go. For the record, I want to describe what MY definition is of letting go. Letting go in my book is completely cutting all physical ties with someone BUT also attempting to cut all CURRENT EMOTIONAL ties.

I know what you’re thinking. You are going to disagree with me because you feel this is something that is impossible to do. Please note the words “CURRENT EMOTIONAL ties”. I want to be sure we are on the same page in hopes if furthering my ways of thinking. For clarity, I am NOT referring to forgetting about someone that you may have shared months or maybe even years with. I am only referring to cutting the emotional ties for now in order to start the healing process. How is this done? It’s not rocket science but it does take a great deal of effort and confidence in order to change your emotional habits.

Its one thing to physically remove you from someone’s life but it is completely different in removing it emotionally. I can remember how I was constantly wondering if my ex was thinking of me. No matter how emotionally upset you may be over a breakup, I want to be honest to let you know that your ex partner DOES think of you but I also want to be a bit brutally honest and let you know that it may NOT be the way you HOPE they think of you. Regardless of how much we think of our ex’s, this doesn’t NOT…I repeat DOES NOT mean they think, feel or physically ache because you are no longer there. I am not trying to be hurtful. I am merely trying to help you understand that just because you feel something for your ex DOESN’T mean they feel the same. This is often a misconception in order for you to stay emotionally attached despite the physical bond being broken.

Letting go is NEVER easy. I have had a broken heart and even getting back together episodes but no two situations are the same. I am merely giving advice based on my experiences as well as lessons learned thru them. I have often wondered why my ex at the time left. What was it about me that they didn’t want anymore? Why was I being rejected like yesterdays trash or so it may seem? After I was dumped I would sit and think for hours, even days about my ex and all the good times we had. I would find myself spiraling out of control emotionally because my thoughts were always consumed with him. No matter how much time I wasted thinking of him and wanting answers, it finally came to me that EVEN IF I HAD ANSWERS would that really make breaking up with me ok? Would knowing everything that was in my ex’s heart make it ok to feel rejected? Sometimes it is better to NOT know the answers because it really wouldn’t make a positive difference either way.

Some people feel that if they knew the issues they could fix it. This may be true but once someone makes a firm decision it is rarely changed in the short term. It takes time for someone to physically notice a change and even longer to see an emotional change. Whether they choose to hang around and wait is up to them. My opinion is to leave completely in order to NOT give them the benefit of what it is they used to have. If you honestly think about it, the more you see or hear from your ex the more they will find the need to NOT contact you. Why is this? It’s because you can’t miss what is always there. They dumped you remember? Why give them something they threw away or didn’t care to nurture and love? Why beg for attention that falls not only on deaf ears?

Some may call it closure but in my opinion it merely clouds the fact that no matter what the reason, it will not bring them any closer to you. It will however fulfill our need for answers. As difficult as it was, talking NEVER solved anything and typically ended in blaming one another for allowing the relationship to crumble. One thing about blaming is that it SOLVES NOTHING and only pushes the other involved further away. I used to feel ten time worse when this occurred because my heart’s intentions were purely good yet I only proved to look worse in his eyes for trying to blame him. Once harsh words fly it’s difficult to take them back. Once they take root in someone else’s heart…it’s nearly impossible to weed out.

Letting go emotionally involves one MAJOR issue that is probably most difficult for us all and that issue is completely cutting all ties with the person you might so desperately want back in your life. No matter how much you love someone, you can do NOTHING to make them love you back the way you NEED to be loved. This is such a hard thing to comprehend. I use to believe that if I felt a certain way about my ex, that he would maybe feel the same because we loved one another at one time. Believe it or not, this was completely wrong. Honestly he ended up thinking of me because he wanted to know I was ok; not that my broken heart would make him change his mind. Many times those that did love us never intend to purposely hurt us. They merely want to make a very difficult decision easier on you as well as themselves. Who wants to feel guilty for purposely breaking your heart? Have you ever had to break with someone you loved? Was it easier because it was YOUR decision? I have been the one to break it off and honestly it was difficult for me because I never wanted to hurt the other. In all reality, it hurt us both.

Letting go of common habits can be difficult as well such as phone calls after work or on the ride home. It can be so difficult passing by a place you both used to be patrons knowing that it won’t happen again in all probability. Please don’t get me wrong, I choose to look at the reality of situations rather than give false hope. Yes there are those that get back together but they MOSTLY have ONE thing in common and that thing is distance. This is NOT the primary reason but it is a major factor knowing that the other knows NOTHING of what you are up to. The old  expression says “Curiosity killed the cat”. What many do NOT understand is that NO CONTACT is only a small factor in getting back together. For example: If you were an a@@hole while in the relationship, they break with you YET DID NOT DO ANYTHING IN THE MEANTIME TO FIX YOUR MISTAKES…you will ALWAYS be an a@@hole. Sorry about my bluntness but you can’t expect someone to change if they do NOT want to change for themselves despite how much we want them to.

How can one start to let go in order to get you back? This is up for speculation but I believe it mostly has to do with taking back the power you gave them while in the relationship. When referring to ‘the power’ I am referring to giving up what you want in order to make someone else happy or satisfied regardless of your wants and needs. If this is done on a common basis (meaning you give and get back in return from your partner equally) means this is part of a healthy relationship. If you are constantly giving and putting your needs on the back burner in order to feel loved, then you are giving up your needs and wants in order to make them happy.

-Let me give you a harsh example of why this will never work.

Let’s assume you are a pleaser by nature (I am as well) and you constantly go out of your way in order to please your partner. Some say we give what we want in return. If you are feeling as if you have to do this more often than you did when you first started the relationship then you are implying that your needs do not matter as much as theirs. In your heart you may see this as a loving act but to others it is showing your partner that no matter what they do, you will be there. (This is NOT true all the time but this is the harshest of the examples I can come up with). My question is this…if you find yourself in this situation and your partner walks away what are they doing with YOUR power? They are taking it with them and you are left with NOTHING. Your self-worth goes right out the door as soon as they did. By standing up for yourself while IN the relationship you are showing that you are not a fool and nor will you settle for less than what you deserve. If you were unable to show your ex that you matter and that you are JUST AS IMPORTANT as they are, then you were giving up what mattered MOST to you in order to be loved by them. If they walked out on you…you are left TWICE as empty because you gave them the power to dominate you regardless of what you wanted and needed.

We tend to over romanticize when our partners leave. We choose to look at the good times. We want to see the relationship as “good” rather than the 8 months you were wondering why he had to walk away from you as he answered a text message for example. Why do we choose to hang on after someone leaves? In theory, I think it has to do with the old saying “something is better than nothing” mixed with a little bit of feeling as if all that time and effort is wasted. NO ONE wants to feel thrown away or worthless. We all want to feel accepted and loved for who we are and what we stand for. There are those out there that after a certain amount of time find that the compatibility of the relationship just wasn’t what they need. Does this mean all ex’s are bad? Absolutely not! Like all things, sometimes it just wasn’t meant to be. The key is to NOT make it into something that it wasn’t. I have talked with so many people that CHOOSE to hold onto someone because it took so long to find them that it seems hopeless in the future to find someone. In short, they are basing their future on their past. Some are just as bad into believing if they DID find romance again that they would probably just leave in the long run anyway. I tend to believe that those with LOWER self-worth tended to give MORE of themselves while in the relationship. When it walked out the door…so did their self-worth. Put yourself in their shoes, if you loved with ALL of what you had to offer and you were STILL rejected, how would you feel? The balance should have been give and give instead of give and take…and take… and take. One must EARN your love, respect and trust.

**Remember this**

It takes a long time to earn love, respect and trust but merely seconds to lose it all.

Never sell yourself short. You deserve love just like everyone else. Learning to let go of someone that let you go is difficult but you must learn in time to reorganize your priorities. If someone is out of your life, learn that you are ONE and NOT two. Know that YOU are the primary factor ALWAYS. If someone wants to be in your life, let them earn it. Never give up on you in order to be loved by another. If that love is not returned the same as it is given then you have NO BUSINESS with that person. Love is walking side by side…not ahead nor behind. Breaking up is never easy but you must learn to take the focus off of what WAS and concentrate everything on what IS. (You) By letting go you are NOT giving up on your ex. You are proving to yourself that YOU MATTER FIRST just like you always have. You are not a quitter. Let go of any notion or thought of you are giving up on your ex. The lesson you must learn is putting yourself first. This is not a selfish act. This is the way it should ALWAYS BE. Never back down from loving yourself. If your ex cannot see how special you are, who is to blame? You or your ex?

Remember you cannot control how others think, feel or act. You can only control you. Once you start to accept that no matter what you do…you can’t control what is not controlled by you…then and only then will you gain a better understanding of you. After all… you are all you’ve got.

I wish you peace and love,